I haven’t been behaving well with taking my medications. I take my medications according to my own rules which is taking them when I wake up. So I wake up at 3 or 4 pm, and I am supposed to be taking my morning medication in the morning, not the afternoon which is when I wake up. (I sleep 12 to 16 hours in the day as of now, I basically sleep like a cat) I take my afternoon medication in the night. I currently take Lithium for suicidal thoughts, Sertraline (Zoloft) for depression and Aripiprazole (Abilify) to help with my paranoia and my depression. I think that’s how it goes anyways. I’m currently diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, Schizo-affective disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and Social anxiety disorder. As you can see, I have been very irresponsible with my medication and not caring as I should. This is also my depression (I oversleep, I don’t care, I don’t take care of my responsibilities, I don’t take care of myself, my hygiene, my mental health, any errands, any to-dos) All of that for now has gone down the drain. Although these past two days I have managed to take a shower, brush my teeth, and wash my face which has made me feel very very good about myself. I even went to the library yesterday to vote! Those two things are definitely a positive. But since I have been irresponsible with my medication, not really taking care of myself, and suicidal (although without a plan, I’m not actively planning on how I will kill myself) I think it’s best to go to the crisis unit to have my medication sorted and keep myself safe for the time being. I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but I’m (shamelessly) going to congratulate myself right now for typing up another post on WordPress although I am a lunatic when it comes to being a perfectionist. This time I’m saying a big eff you to it. I usually never accomplish anything I want to do because of my perfectionism, anxiety, procrastination and inattentiveness. I think I have ADD which I will talk to the doctors about today. I will make some posts on perfectionism, procrastination, ADD and all that fun stuff (mental illness party!) to come. I hope you are enjoying these posts so far. I only started this blog to express myself and my thoughts, but I hope others are resonating with them and not feeling so alone. Sending much love.
Martha
2020 update
Hello 🙂
My last post on here was in 2016. It’s been 5 years. I’m absolutely terrified typing on here because I feel like every word has to be right. Believe it or not, I still struggle with the exact same things I struggled with in 2016. The perfectionism, making sure every word is right, and deleting everything and then disappearing because I think that I am an embarrassment that should hide in her room forever. Never to be seen again. Simply because I thought a couple of words didn’t sound the way I wanted to, the title to my blog was awful, my about me- absolutely horrid, and my avatar picture- well, atrocious. I left WordPress because I felt that I wasn’t as talented and as high of an intellect as many of the writers on here are. Basically, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I mean I read blogs that are just- beautifully written. Then there’s me, who says “like” in every sentence, stutters nervously when talking with others (including family members), or simply becomes mute because saying nothing is sometimes better than embarrassing myself with the way I talk. And lately that’s been happening often, I just turn mute. When I’m talking to others, a switch in my brain turns off, and all I do is just (creepily) stare at them and smile. I really don’t mean to do that but if I am too nervous to respond to someone, I just look at them and smile. In those moments, I wish so deeply with every cell in my being, that I wasn’t so afraid of talking to other people. Or better said, that I wasn’t so AFRAID of other people.
*deep sigh*
Things have been difficult lately. I haven’t been showering. I have been eating too much (one of the side effects of my medication is increased appetite which makes me eat a lot, or maybe I’m just using that as a justification), I sleep 14 hours in the day, I’m applying for jobs with no luck, I miss my ex boyfriend way too much, when I should be over him already. I’ve known this person since I was 12 years old and I am 23 now. I’ve been with him him off and on since I was 16 years old. (so yeah, maybe it’s best that were over, but I can’t help but miss him terribly) I do my chores sometimes, but not all the time. I’m supposed to keep the house clean everyday, clean the litter box (I have three beautiful cats), take out the trash, broom and wash the bathroom, broom and mop the living room (including my room), wash my clothes and currently the grade I give myself on all these tasks is a D-. The reason I give myself a D- is because doing one thing right out of the 100 things that I have to do is just plain awful, so a D- sounds about right. There’s so much more to say but for now I’m just going to say that I’m struggling. Welcome to my Blog beloved ones, please feel free to share your story below, why you are on WordPress, or whatever you want really. I will leave a lot of tags so you fellow sufferers can find me. Sending love.
Why am I writing to you?
Hello 🙂
This is my very first blog post and I’m going to try my best not to overthink it. I previously had, well I technically still have a blog called “An endeavor into the cerebrum” on WordPress. I posted some heavy stuff there about my personal mental struggles I was going through at the time, but I haven’t gone back to it just because I think it sucks, and it’ll probably pain me to read it again. I have a tendency to write something, and then right after writing it, cringe hardcore about it because I think it’s weird and not good enough. I have a blurry not so good quality photo as my avatar, and honestly I just don’t like it. I don’t like the name, I don’t like the posts, so here I am starting over!
Hello! Hi! My name is Martha. I am here today typing on my very old black keyboard that I have had since forever to desperately blurt out all of the messy mess going on inside of my brain. I am typing for you, Reader, in the hopes that my thoughts and words resonate with you or help you in some way. I want to be your friend. I want to connect and share with you, and let you know that you are not alone. Why? Because today I woke up and I struggled to leave my bed. Today just like most days, I felt something in my mind blocking me from doing the things I wanted to do. I felt unstable, confused with what was going on in my mind. My room is clean, I have food in the fridge, I have clothes and blankets to keep me warm, I have a shower that cleans me with warm water, my family, I have everything I could ever need. I even have TWO adorable cats. (I have a favorite one hehe)
Still, there is something terribly wrong. There’s something that’s not in order, maybe a DIS-ORDER? 😉 haha! Trying to be funny. If you have a mental disorder, humor really does help. Anyways…  I am also typing for me, Martha, a girl who has been struggling mentally since I was 12 years old and right now I am 18 years old. Time literally flies by. I have been diagnosed with different types of depression, Social Anxiety Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I don’t know if these diagnoses are correct, because I have been diagnosed time after time and blah blah blah. All I know is that my mind feels in pain most days. I feel like it’s foggy up there, like I’m trying to think clearly, but someone up there came along and spilled a huge gallon of paint, and now my mind is tainted. It literally feels like my mind is tainted. Tainted, messy, foggy, and unclear. Despite all of this YUCK, here is something positive I want to tell you.
I really think I need to love myself. Not only do I NEED to, but I deserve self love. I mean I kind of also need to believe I deserve self love. I am messed up guys. Messed-up. You don’t even know. A lot of disturbances happening! Here is another thing, I think you need to love yourself too. Everything about yourself. Love is something I feel like I have lacked throughout my life. I’m not blaming anyone, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever loved myself or thought of myself as good enough. I think I need to work on that, and maybe you do too. Lets figure it out? 😉
I created “Flowers for Martha” because throughout today, I was feeling very sad. I wanted comfort and love, and I told myself: “You know what? You deserve flowers and a lot of love.” Although I didn’t give myself physical flowers, (I can’t afford it lolz) I gave my mind a little bit of love and positivity, and I envisioned a drawing of a girl with flowers coming out of her head rather than hair. Those flowers were her thoughts, and they were blooming out of her scalp. She planted sweet, beautiful thoughts. Get it? Her brain was a garden, and the flowers couldn’t wait but to burst out her head. She was happy, and they were dancing. I thought it was beautiful, and I thought it would make a great drawing for the cover of my blog.  Thinking of this vision made me feel happy, and at peace. So, here I am bringing this vision to life.
My name is Martha and this is Flowers for Martha. I am aware this is very long, But I am keeping it just as it is. I am going to try my best to keep this going, because I am already regretting it. . . I feel like I have written too much.
Good bye… I hope you and I try our best to always plant sweet thoughts.
Flowers for Martha 